


Uneasy lies the head that wears the Crown

by Feelsripper



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Control Issues, Coping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, hair petting, more nightmare fuel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-23 17:56:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/929407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feelsripper/pseuds/Feelsripper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All soldiers had nightmares at some point, and Erwin found himself being of no exception. Sleepless nights and night terrors simply came with the territory of being commander. What he hadn't expected was the loss of control he'd feel, and the great lengths he'd go to keep it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Uneasy lies the head that wears the Crown

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Не знает сна лишь государь один](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1332295) by [Oxygen_Neutron](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oxygen_Neutron/pseuds/Oxygen_Neutron)



> From Shakespeare's Henry IV. Part II, 1597.
> 
> KING HENRY IV:
> 
> How many thousand of my poorest subjects  
> Are at this hour asleep! O sleep, O gentle sleep,  
> Nature's soft nurse, how have I frighted thee,  
> That thou no more wilt weigh my eyelids down  
> And steep my senses in forgetfulness?  
> Why rather, sleep, liest thou in smoky cribs,  
> Upon uneasy pallets stretching thee  
> And hush'd with buzzing night-flies to thy slumber,  
> Than in the perfumed chambers of the great,  
> Under the canopies of costly state,  
> And lull'd with sound of sweetest melody?  
> O thou dull god, why liest thou with the vile  
> In loathsome beds, and leavest the kingly couch  
> A watch-case or a common 'larum-bell?  
> Wilt thou upon the high and giddy mast  
> Seal up the ship-boy's eyes, and rock his brains  
> In cradle of the rude imperious surge  
> And in the visitation of the winds,  
> Who take the ruffian billows by the top,  
> Curling their monstrous heads and hanging them  
> With deafening clamour in the slippery clouds,  
> That, with the hurly, death itself awakes?  
> Canst thou, O partial sleep, give thy repose  
> To the wet sea-boy in an hour so rude,  
> And in the calmest and most stillest night,  
> With all appliances and means to boot,  
> Deny it to a king? Then happy low, lie down!  
> Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.  
> Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

There was little the scouting legion could do to prepare its soldiers for war. They could hand them a blade, and give them a fighting chance, before they tossed them into the fray. It was sink or swim, and most of the fresh faced recruits drowned in the fear around them. The constant threat of death was painfully real to all of them. Yet to those who survived the dangers, who had earned the experience, the odds only tipped slightly in their favor. For all the information at their fingertips there was still one thing that could not be taught: how to deal with the nightmares.

Erwin had enough ghosts of his own to know that nightmares plagued every soldier, regardless of rank or skill. Other than death, it was the only true unifying factor between them all.

The legion could teach them how to kill a titan and how to manage their gear, but there was nothing they could do to prepare them for the monsters in their head. Those beasts could not be slain and they awaited every single one of them behind drooping eyelids.

For the most part, he tried not to let his demons rule him. He would not be the first, nor the last, to take his troubles to bed with him.

He too, fell victim to nightmares, but it was not the endless reel of horror and gore within them that unnerved him so. When he would dream it was like reading a thread from the tapestry of fate. Scenes would play out regardless of his thoughts or feelings, and there was nothing he could do to change it. If he was meant to see his squad mates reduced to half formed lumps of flesh, so be it. He had no sway in his dreams, and the lack of control, the futility of it all that really gave him reason to fear.

He would much rather deal with ghoulish monsters and carnage than the fragility of his own humanity. Any control he had was an illusion created by the vanity of man. He knew it, and he knew its shortcomings well; but it was a bitter reality that haunted him day and night.

The truth was this: Erwin was just one man, one horribly flawed man with everything to lose. It was only when the lights had gone out, and the shadows crept along the walls that it became an especially painful reminder. 

Needless to say, he was not fond of sleep.

Usually he would snatch a few hours of sleep, but tonight he was just restless. He had spent the night tossing and turning before he finally gave up, and put his time to better use. The first thing he learned upon being promoted to commander was that there was never a shortage of paperwork, and on nights such as this he took solace in the fact. He heaved a great sigh as he turned the page of yet another death report. There were stacks of reports waiting to be filed and delivered to the anxious loved ones left behind. The sad part is that the pile never got smaller.

It was two A.M. and quiet, as it should be. He set his pen down and just allowed himself to sit and just be, if only for a moment. There was an oddly cozy feel to his office with the way the light of the lamp flickered along the wall, and the way the shadows kept him company. Perhaps he’d spent so much time working that the little office and its gloomy atmosphere had become a second home to him by now. He let out a soft sigh, finally allowing himself to take a break from his heavy thoughts. Instinctively, he reached deep into one of the desk drawers and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. It was there for such occasions as these, and he set it atop his desk alongside a shot glass. He removed the cap and poured, watching the amber liquid slowly fill his glass. He threw the shot back, enjoying the burn as it went down.

He continued this ritual until there was a slight hum in his blood, but just enough to take the edge off. In the past, Mike was the one who suggested having a drink or two to unwind after their first rough mission together. They had lost eighty percent of their forces that day. Since then the commander had been rotated out, and their survival rate had increased. However, so had Erwin’s troubles. They had begun to pile up, and unfortunately he didn’t have the time to find an appropriate outlet. Drinking seemed to be a poor substitute, but it worked for the time being. However he made it a point to never drink to excess. There were too many things on the line to allow himself to be compromised, so he made it his personal mission to keep his baggage in tow. He’d never let those reins slip, not if he could help it, but the alcohol loosened the strain it left on his mind. It was alright to allow this one guilty pleasure, right?

As he prepared his second shot, the doorknob began to rattle. He set the bottle down as the door opened to reveal his visitor.

"You look like shit." Levi stood in the doorway, looking surly as usual.

Of course those would be the first words out of Levi’s mouth. “You’re feeling complimentary as usual. To what do I owe this honor? “

The Corporal let out a noncommittal grunt, and closed the door behind him. “I got bored.”

"Really now."

"Actually, I was actually worried when I saw your light still on." He let out an amused huff, "No, dumbass. I was on my way to the barracks to scare the shit out of the new recruits.”

"At two in the morning?"

"Are you questioning my teaching methods, Erwin?" His expression turned sour.

Perhaps he should lay off on the Corporal, at least until morning. Erwin wasn’t the only one who had trouble sleeping, and he wouldn’t put it past Levi to wander the halls for the same reason. He was however, taken aback that he had bothered to stop by at all.

Levi continued to stand in the doorway in silence, as if to take in his surroundings. Whatever he had observed, he was obviously displeased with.

Erwin paid him no mind and tossed the last shot back in one fluid motion. He could feel his subordinate’s eyes on him, but he made no comment of it. He would talk when he was good and ready.

"What are you doing?" He finally asked, brow furrowed with tension.

"I’m having a drink. Would you like one?" He opened the drawer again and set yet another shot glass on the desk.

That only made him frown more.

It was almost amusing how well he knew Levi now. God, he was such a handful when they first met. Actually, he still was a handful, but there was something…different about him. More focused. More polished. All that anger finally had a purpose, and it served him well. He was still a man of few words though, and what little he did speak was usually unpleasant and riddled with profanity.

He really did pick the weird ones, didn’t he?

Finally Levi pulled up a chair, and placed it directly across from him. He quickly snatched the bottle from him as well, taking notice of how much was left rather than the type or quality of alcohol it was. “How long have you had this stashed away?”

"About a month now, I suppose."

He eyed the shot glass now, which made him even more displeased. “It’s dusty. Gross.”

"You’ll be fine." A surprisingly light chuckle escaped as he watched Levi scrub away the dust with his cloak.

He then poured himself a glass, careful to line the whiskey up perfectly with the etchings on the glass. If it went a hair over Erwin had no doubt he would pour the whiskey back in, and try again.

His quirks weren’t so much amusing as they were endearing and humanizing. Humanity’s fiercest warrior had OCD and a crippling aversion to germs. If their troops only knew what their commanding officers were really like in their down time they might not follow them at all.

At least the recruits had the ability to unwind. Erwin especially thought of it as a luxury, and to see him in such a way rare. It pained him to say that a few had seen his true colors bleed out, but it was what it was. He could not be a symbol all the time, despite his efforts.

The Corporal threw the shot back with ease, as if it was second nature to him. Lord knows what all Levi had done while he was a thug. He tried not to think about it. The pitiful state he found him in so many years ago was telling enough.

Erwin reached for the bottle before Levi made a grab for it the second time. “I’m not letting you finish off the bottle by yourself. You’re such a lightweight you’ll probably pass out after four.”

He said nothing of the amount he had already consumed, and watched him pour not one, not two, but three shots in rapid succession. It appeared that it was a decision he quickly regretted, as his face fell into his hands. “That fucking burns. I thought this was supposed to be high quality stuff, not that boot-legged potato vodka shit, god damn.”

Erwin actually laughed aloud at that. It had been entirely too long since he was able to let out an actual laugh, and it showed. What escaped was as brittle as glass, and just plain tired. It caused both of them to wince.

Still he smiled gently, “It’s actually whiskey, but it doesn’t matter the quality of the drink if you chug them down one after the other.”

"Do I look stupid? I know my liquor." He hissed, and poured them both another shot. 

"Of course, you’ve probably been drinking since you were twelve." It would be wise to stop about now. He was beginning to feel a rush of heat to his face. Despite that, he tossed back the shot Levi had poured for him.

"Damn straight." He tossed his back again, grinding his teeth at the burn in the back of his throat. "Although you’re wrong. I think I was fourteen."

Erwin rose his eyebrows at that, but said nothing. Few things surprised him anymore.

"Another?" Levi shook the bottle at him.

"One more."

"I bet I can drink you under the table."

"Somehow I doubt that."

"Is that a challenge, Erwin?"

"Another time, perhaps."

He let out an irritated snort, and narrowed his eyes. “Chicken shit.”

It should have bothered him that Levi was comfortable making himself at home in his office, and being so frank with him. But it didn’t. A lot of things about Levi didn’t.

The Corporal leaned back in his chair, and propped his feet up on the desk as he poured another for Erwin. “Why are you in your office, Erwin?”

It was an easy question to answer. “I had paperwork to do.”

"Why are you really up?”

Erwin hesitated to answer. He decided to finish his shot, rather than reply. It occurred to him that the whiskey had already reached the halfway mark. He should really save the rest for later, but he actually enjoyed the company. It wasn’t often he had visitors. Yet his head was growing heavy, and his cheeks flushed. He needed to stop, and get a grip. Slowly he shut his eyes, and ran a hand through his hair. He filled another shot.

The Corporal waited a few moments before slamming his empty glass on the table. Levi was not known for his patience.

"If you’re not honest with me you aren’t worth shit." He leaned in a little closer, voice tight with frustration.

"I was having nightmares."

Just like that, the dam broke and the words blurted out before he could hold them back. It was just easier to admit these things in the confines of his office and the dark as they were. It didn’t help that he had grown alarmingly comfortable around Levi as well. Perhaps a little too much, if Erwin was willing to loosen his tongue for him. He was still Commander though, no matter what soft spot he had towards Levi, and he needed to act it.

Truly, it was a moment of weakness.

The man across from him seemed to mull over the information, twirling the empty glass in his hand. Finally, he set it down, and poured them both another shot.

Erwin snatched the glass away and quickly drained it, thankful for a distraction from Levi’s weighted gaze. Even with his eyes closed, he could still feel him staring him down. The alcohol was finally hitting him, and hard. He felt uncomfortably warm, and his thoughts sluggish. He never intended to have an audience when he finally lost it.

Suddenly he felt a hand in his hair, gently fixing the stray hairs back into place. His eyes fluttered open to see Levi reaching across the table to loosen the bolo tie from around his neck, and unbutton his collar.

It was a relief to have that noose loosened from around his neck.

"God, you’re such a mess." Levi murmured, as if in awe.

He bit back a wave of disappointment, and let a bitter laugh burst forth. “That makes two of us, doesn’t it?”

Shit, he was really drunk.

The Corporal crossed his legs, drank his last shot, and let out a satisfied sigh. “You know, you can let loose once and awhile. It won’t kill you.” He reached over and screwed the cap back on the bottle. “You can trust me. I’m not a shitty enough person to let you run yourself into the ground.”

"I do trust you." He looked up at him with tired eyes. "Without a doubt." The truth was a heavy thing, and he found his chest aching from its weight. He was what he always was: human.

Erwin leaned back in his chair, shoulders sagging with sudden weariness. Was it right to allow himself this? Levi was a subordinate; he needed him to have confidence in his ability on the field, and playing himself off as a drunken fool was a sure way not to inspire such camaraderie. For all his floundering though, he must have said something right.

It wasn’t often, but occasionally Levi ran out of snarky comebacks. Erwin had actually rendered him speechless, despite everything slipping through his fingers. It was as if he had struck a chord somewhere deep inside, and was trying his best to keep his expression under wraps. Finally, Levi stood with his face carefully blank and emotionless, “Then let me do this for you.”

He helped him to his feet, despite the fact that he was struggling under Erwin’s gargantuan frame. He couldn’t help but smile fondly at him, and touch his shoulder lightly with affection. Levi was a rough person in every sense of the word. He had an unkempt look about him, hard hands, and a coarse mouth. His description, no matter how accurate, was still far from being completely correct. It was true that he was unkempt, but he was also refined as well. He was hard, but fair, coarse, but honest. They were all good qualities to have.

He found himself collapsing into the couch near the corner of his office. Levi helped him sit up again, and began removing his coat. All he could do was watch helplessly, and let him do as he pleased while his vision blurred and the ceiling spun. Once he was free, he gingerly lowered Erwin back down into the cushions. “You’re going to have such a shitty hangover tomorrow if you don’t drink any water.”

"What about you?"

"I can take care of myself, unlike _someone_.” He let out an amused huff. Slowly, his fingers found their way back into his hair, gently scraping his nails along the scalp. Erwin shut his eyes again, and melted into his touch. God, this was so embarrassing.

Levi seemed pleased with his reaction, and continued to run a hand through his hair. “But I don’t mind.” He sat there for a while in the silence just running his hands back and forth through his hair.

He nodded lazily, growing more and more drowsy with each stroke. How could he be this tired already? Surely he couldn’t have drunk that much. He actively fought the pull of sleep, and forced his eyes open. There was still so much he had left to do, and the pile would only continue to get bigger the longer he ignored it.

It was brief, but for a moment Levi seemed to be content with where he was. That is, until he saw Erwin was looking up at him. As soon as they made eye contact, he could visibly see the wall going back up between them. It became alarming clear that such a look was not meant for his eyes, and he felt his hands pull away.

His eyes were already beginning to droop, and felt far too sluggish to move. Instead, he resigned himself to watching the Corporal’s blurry shape tidy up around the office. The whiskey, the chair, and his papers were all in their proper places. Not a hair out of line.

Fighting off sleep was becoming more difficult with each passing moment. “Levi?”

“What?”

"Thank you.”

Levi didn’t respond to that, but it didn’t matter. He could already feel himself dozing off. Finally, he heard his guest made his way for the door. He could tell that he was being deliberately quiet, but at this point he could he would have slept through anything. Then the door shut behind him with a soft thud.

He closed his eyes for the last time that night, and let out all the tension he had been holding in. Not even the dead could wake him tonight.

At last, he had a chance to rest easy.

He had an anchor.

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted at: http://the-chalk-dust-riddle.tumblr.com/post/57342249476/uneasy-lies-the-head-that-wears-the-crown


End file.
